what is that which makes you answer..

phil glass et. al.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:10:19 GMT

the strangest weekend. friday i went to school till three. cleaned my apartment sang in the shower and went to work at five. worked with bill who has given up on the company and so have i. lost consciousness in the kids section and was transported by ambulance to the hospital. left with my mom around two, high on ativan and drove home. slept in my living room and was unconscious until three pm. drove to allentown to see a symphony orchestra with my mom in which one of my professors was concert master. drove home after intermission and fell asleep eating soup and ice cream. went to work this morning, talked to kim and drove to Kutztown after. met up with josh "bare feet" and professor ROBER at the philip glass concert at the church in town. saw his performance with his son, then drank copious amounts of white wine and discussed the renaissance. talked to mr. glass who bares a striking resemblance to kurt vonnegut. congregated around the nameless piano and took josh back to his car, felt more alone than i have in awhile. listened to both welkes and jeff buckley and drove to the river and jumped in. in the cold october night. on a sunday. drove back to apartment alone and related the day to the anonymous viewers of said livejournal. going inside now to play my piano. drunk and inspired and lonely.

all i ever wanted, i realize. but cold and sad just the same.

thought.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:12:39 GMT

wednesday nights at blockbuster are not quite the intellectually stimulating experiences they once were. actually no time at blockbuster ever is.

also, i have decided that s.a.d. makes me f.a.t. need a new perspective! in other news, my sister is having a baby girl! now that the child has a gender, it makes becoming an aunt more real to me. wish she was here now so i could take her for ice cream in october and go to a pumpkin patch.

i want to be crazy aunt michelle. but i also want to be someone she can talk to about the existential or about music or about anything.

read enough kurt vonnnegut, and you learn that family is the missing key to our happiness. family can make us complete. unfortunately we are becoming more and more isolated as a species and its disheartening.

when you get old, they just throw you in a home so you can await death and not burden anyone. maybe alzheimers is a blessing. at least youre unaware.

back to work. bring back the sunshine!

Afternoon and Nothin' to do.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:49:08 GMT

Drinking by yourself = FAIL. In the most epic way. I was being so productive recently, keeping my chin up, all that jazz. Last night was a waste. Made myself pay for it by riding my bike all around town today. Did my homework. Ate at Betty's, studied spanish. Practiced piano. Went to chamber rehearsal. Eh, nother day.

Thursday, Phi Mu Alpha American Music Concert! I'm playing the Gershwin prelude with Ryan. It's gonna be awesome. 7:30 pm. I'm gonna pretend anyone reads this that actually lives in this state. Still gonna be fun. Tom. class from 8-3, work 4-1130.

Not sure why I'm updating with this boring entry. I'm lonely here sometimes. If it isn't the couple in front of me on the way to class holding hands, talking and laughing together, it's the group of friends chatting outside the coffee shop as I sit by myself in the corner and read. I really don't mean to be so anti-social. I hate being so alone. Just my handicap, I s'pose. But I didn't come here to complain. I'm here at the library with intent to write more of my story, "Order and Disobedience". It's a God-awful attempt at fiction and I love every minute of it.

Enjoy the weather, it's so beautiful outside today..

i never copy lyrics anymore, but this is closer to the truth than i could write myself.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 02:43:08 GMT

papa died smiling,
wide as the ring of a bell.
gone all star white
small as a wish in a well.
in sodom south georgia,
woke like a tree full of bees.
burried in christmas,
bows and a blanket of weeds.

papa died sunday,
and i understood.
all dead white boys say "god is good"
white tongues hang out
"god is good."

papa died while my girl little edith was born.
both hands felt like eyes on a crack in th door.
in sodom south georgia,
slept on an acre of bones.
slept through christmas,
slept like a bucket of snow.

papa died sunday,
and i understood.
all dead white boys say
"god is good"
white tongues hang out
"god is good"

Suggests rather than Describes.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:46:17 GMT

..How I would categorize my writing. Or maybe that's just an excuse for having no form, identifiable plot, or character development.

Trash, in other words.

"Even if there is only one possible unified theory, it is just a set of rules and equations. What is it that breathes fire into the equations and makes a universe for them to describe?" - So Stephen Hawking pretty much detailed my personal explanation for God. Y te adoro.

It's a Sunday night at the computer lab.

And one day the future shall arrive?

"Thy end is truth and beauty's doom and date." Oh, Shakespeare. And Tai Chi for the mind. If only I could disappear into sound...(someday)

, I wait for you.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 01:11:04 GMT

I need a hug. Like whoa. :'(

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:49:39 GMT

feel so defeated.

mother,

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 04:25:28 GMT

and she said, "i promise you, if something were to happen to you, you wouldn't miss anything at all in this world. it would no longer matter. that i promise." and that silence was worth a million tears shed in pity or concern.

How bout that?

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 01:35:46 GMT

HAHA. Livejournal is having its tenth anniversary? Feels like yesterday when I was 15 and you still needed an invite code to get one and my boyfriend thing at the time got me started on this narcissistic madness that overcame my life for a few years. and miserable, hate-filled, passive agressive angst posts. pretty much every day. Happy birthday, precursor of social networking sites. Thanks for providing an avenue for social phobic kids like me hiding behind their computer screens.

The good, the bad, the [unsure?]

Also. Is it just me, or do other people not find the holocaust particularly humorous? I know you're trying to be controversial, Mr. Tarantino. But really, are you that patriotic? Do you think that making people laugh and cheer for the American cowboys who came in and kicked some Nazi ass is the message we really should be sending? Murder is wrong. War is sick. There is no such thing as 'victory' earned in bloodshed. Besides, if our country was so heroic, why'd we wait so long to get involved in the war anyway? Maybe I'm a downer conceit, but "Inglorious Basterds" really didn't sit well with me. Doesn't seem like something worth celebrating, when so many innocent people lost their lives.

Maybe I just need to lower my standards for humanity. I'd be a lot happier person.

G'night. Going home to watch Anthony Bourdain. ♥

update for lack of motivation.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:26:53 GMT

www.critiquecircle.com
DO IT.

Also, it is pouring rain on a Friday, I've had exactly 6 hours of sleep, and my umbrella broke in HALF on my way to class so now I have none. Spanish test in half an hour, wash to do, choir at 2, and over an hour drive home with impending rush hour traffic.

Pardon the proceeding ridiculous comment, but I need a DRINK later.
Peace.

dusk.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:26:12 GMT

when you can feel the cool in the air at dusk, its definitely the end of summer. but im not ready to let it go. i want to go back to the ocean and eat food outside and drink with friends while casually laughing and smoking cigarettes. summer dresses, outdoor art gallery hopping, music festivals. im so forlorn at the thought of winter and its still august.

this is like my personal disease, to constantly ruin the present with simultaneous thoughts of the past and future.

plus i ate too much. and had an epic nap in the afternoon dreaming of bangkok and floating down the river with two families who slaughtered their offspring and threw their bodies in the water. do other people have such consistent, bloody nightmares? maybe its why im always tired. my mind never rests.

then waking up to the obnoxious glare of the tv screen in an empty house with a silent phone and no one on the other end. plus a million things to do that seem so overwhelming and the desperate dread of running out of time.

it makes me want to get out and run anywhere to escape the silence. when i really just need to learn to sit still and accept the discontent.

culture and relevance

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:48:55 GMT

there was a small town in greece, agios lavrentios. there was so much to learn about the pace of the everyday. the people were intelligent and full of talent. they learned english and many times a third language as part of their education. yet as one man explained to me, america appeared as a spoiled comical child not willing to learn from and respect its elders. weren't we simply a colony of the old world? how did we become so egocentric? so unwilling to adapt and comingle with the rest of the world? he laughed lightly and i agreed, yet aware that i was in this land representing this land. for the first time in my life, i was the silly foreigner with the silly accent and funny colored skin. as hard as i tried to speak the words of the greek language that i was taught, i was simultaneously and painfully aware of how slow and uneducated i sounded. it was a valuable lesson. i saw a way of life so different and so untouched by the technology revolution. it was as breathtaking as the view. even the water and the breeze felt like a distant dream. there is a world not centered on the strict obedience of time. i tried to capture its essence as i walked alm to a church on the mountain at midnight. for a moment, which is all it ever will be.

guess ill never

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:10:33 GMT

i wrote a poem discerning my adoration for late august, and lost it all to a faulty server. the most beautiful words are never heard, and what's worse is they leave you feeling unrequited and alone.

live the moments

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 16:38:07 GMT

updating from my new 21st century phone. good news so far. biopsy is clear, but i need surgery to remove my thyroid and to make sure everything is ok. i have decided to become more openly spiritual, and i am grateful to god for everything in my life so far.

in more comical news, i dropped my phone into a portajohn at musikfest after an insanely awesome night of seeing dr. dog for free and hanging out with amazing friends. bad news is i no longer have anyones number, but have come to believe its for a reason. i lost all the saved messages from my dad, but i choose to believe it means he has passed on to a better place. my mom accidentally deleted his last message on the answering machine that same day.

the "great one", my dear aunt carol passed away from kidney failure two weeks ago. it was the best funeral i have ever attended, if there can be such a thing. it was a celebration of life and the end of suffering, and i was also able to reconnect with long lost family. r.i.p.

finally, it seems as though i will be an aunt in march. i had my reservations at first, but now i am embracing the new life on its way.

greece was more incredible than words could possibly do justice to. but i played the bach concerto and swam in the aegean sea and saw the acropolis, olympic stadium, and the parthenon.

and i am here to tell the tale. 484-350-2451, text if you wish :)

Sicko.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:41:58 GMT

Feel bad for me...sometimes that seems like the only purpose to writing in this thing. Yet rather than sympathy, I kinda need advice. What do you do if there is a massive lump in your thyroid and you need a biopsy to find out if it's cancerous, but you don't have any medical coverage? And you may already be in over your head in debt for admitting yourself to the hospital because your airway is being obstructed by the mass? And the welfare forms for insurance could take up to 90 days to find out if you will be covered or not?

I've never hated America more.
What a sad state of affairs.
Where are you, Hillary? When we (I) need you...

Food and thought.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 04:00:44 GMT

Words cannot describe the beauty of summer and the life it fills me with. I just wonder how much of this joy exists because of the long months of winter, snow, and rain? I wonder the same thing about the sunset..would it be as incredible if it lasted forever? I always go running out of my house when I see the sun beginning to set, so I can catch that brilliant fire burning in the sky just before it leaves the world in dark. Then I feel melancholy and saddened when it disappears behind the skyline. But it always comes back eventually, and such is life.

Michael Jackson

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 04:02:48 GMT

Michael Jackson is dead? Wow. I don't know what it's so surprising or important to me. Just seems like he had so many problems. Maybe he is in a better place where he can accept himself? That's all. G'night.

Surreal

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 02:56:06 GMT

I am going to Agios Laurentios, Greece. To take part in a week long music festival, take part in master's classes from professionals all over the world, perform in chamber ensemble groups with other musicians, and visit my professor's home country. July 12-20. Possibly traveling by myself.

Fuck. It's really happening. And it's utterly surreal!
Bach - Concerto in D Minor: IT IS ON!!

Mired in the Muck Momentarily.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 20:42:43 GMT

It's definitely going to storm, the clouds are heavy and even though the sun's still shining, it will be raining before evening. That's okay, I'm going home to dye my hair and download music onto my mp3 player, then drive through the storm to the other end where it is once again calm and sunny and peaceful.

Still there will be work tomorrow, and the next day, and paychecks to cash and spend, and many moments to both grieve and smile in. My how the days go by!

The most important thing to learn about life

Thu, 14 May 2009 20:57:04 GMT

And this, too, shall pass.

Anyway.

Sat, 09 May 2009 03:39:33 GMT

One day you wake up and realize you grew up. Not necessarily that you accomplished all you've set out to, or that you are successful or worthy in the eyes of your peers. But that you don't need to be, that all will be well and you know enough about yourself to say "I am content with me." I no longer need to be a slave to my self-pity. I just get up and go to work and go to school and run and help my mom clean and hope for a better world, somewhere out there.

Even if no one or no thing validates you, you are complete.

Sustained in Motion.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 05:36:45 GMT

Things seemed more positive today, as they sometimes seem to do. Attended the PeaceCorp meeting. Started the application process. Decided to apply to Sheetz because Blockbuster is one step away from going under and I can't pay my rent with the hours they give me. I attended Acoustics class, practiced my piano, worked, and now I'm at the computer lab past midnight trying to figure out my future.

Even with no concrete answers for tonight, I will go home and go to sleep feeling more accomplished. Just in time to wake up for 8:00 Spanish class!

I hope this sounds like a joke.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:34:22 GMT

It is becoming clear to me that music is not the career I want. I have met so many passionate people lately, and it's exhausting to play this dry awful classical shit. I'm sorry, Haydn. You're sonatas are as dry as an old vagina. I'm not kidding, the classical era can blow me. I'm sorry I'm being so inappropriate. But really. I hate what I'm doing and now I'm 6000+ into my degree of which I'll never. ever. EVER. get a job in the best of times. Now that Great Depression Part Deux is upon us, it makes me sick every day that I get up thinking that what I'm doing and all the work I'm putting into this investment will never pay off. Sure, when its lighter and warmer out, and things seem okay, I like to dream of getting my masters in Mus. Therapy. Or taking my skills and writing an album and joining the Peace Corps. Or perhaps finishing my Psych degree to get into counseling in the schools and helping kids figure out what the hell they want to do in college before they waste eons of time and money anxiously sinking more energy into each successive assignment, project, exam, jury, and not realize that the career they are training for is not even what they want to do with their lives.

If I had it to do over again, I'd go back into music before I became an aging bitter friendless awkward mess. I'd learn about AP classes and research more school and talk to career counselors. I'd be more ambitious and less whiny and weak and I'd do me. Not what I think is expected of me. This would branch out into my entire life and I wouldn't be so miserable all of the time. To everyone around me. To myself most of all.

To be a goth teenager slicing up her wrists with compact mirror shards is one thing. To be a 23 year old STILL undergrad student in a major in which she possesses little talent and even less ambition anymore who still writes on livejournal about how pathetic her tiny blessed white girl life is, that is abominable.

To be honest, it makes me want to get in my car and drive down the highway and cry. Now let's grow up, focus on getting this work done, read the previous paragraph and realize that life is not over. Impending doom does not exist every hour of the day, nothing is wrong. And despite being broke, misunderstood, over-tired, and sick, there is nothing to complain about and writing that I do in here makes me a vision of everything I detest.

Next time I write I will have figured shit out. Possibly.

Reparations.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:13:54 GMT

I am completely overcome by lack of passion, loss of direction, and I've had enough of this week. Next week, better times..

Fuckabees.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 21:39:15 GMT

Piece of shit online tests. Never took one before. I was told I had less than a minute to complete each question. I really had an hour and a half to complete 30 multiple choice questions, of which I completed in 21 minutes. And received a 66%. In reality, I could have googled or wikipedia'd every single question and gotten a better grade.

Now I'm pissed and want to leave campus to go look at nature and forget about school for a few hours. Anyone wanna join me? I also want to make arts and crafts like in post secret. I want to make a million post secrets and deposit them in people's mailboxes. Is that illegal? Probably. I might try it anyway.