what is that which makes you answer..

Here. In My Head.

2009-12-06T04:21:58Z

1992 performance on Bosey..torn and faded blue jeans, black boots, hair the color of fire and lips to match. Oh, and the lyrics "I'll show you the roses that brush off the snow and open their petals again and again." Forgot what that woman did to me a long time ago...

Thought. End.

"That makes it all clear, makes it all.."

thanks to a friend for the food for thought.

2009-12-03T06:21:17Z

i think you're in denial if you don't acknowledge the validity of the kinsey scale. just like i believe you're close minded if you believe that salvation is only attained through a certain dogma or religion. it's racist to not accept other cultural beliefs and practices as valid. maybe im being hypocritical by adhering to these beliefs. but it's inherently in my blood to accept the yin and the yang as equally necessary. and maybe im just as wrong for thinking less of absolution. there wouldn't be something without nothing, correct?

maybe its too late at night to postulate..

beneath the wreckage of social conditioning.

2009-12-01T04:24:23Z

i have been handicapped by words, my inability to use them within the fleeting context of conversation. i would much rather write than talk out loud. i would be happier even communicating in silence. in doing. in gestures. in music. in laughter. in human embrace. but i am confined to spoken word. delegated to listening and feining interest. but there's a suspicious lack of understanding! we're not on the same plane. subtle disappointment. giving into awkward silence with everyone. for the sake of saving face. what face is there to protect? we're pretty much all in the same boat sinking and worried more about opinions. the fault is my own and im trying not to care. either way its your own you carry home. you, and you alone.

the attic lullaby.

2009-11-24T02:22:25Z

just a sense of impending logic,
replace my infinite
indescribable
longing.
passion?
yes, that's why i fight.
want to feel,
rising up from the floor boards in the basement
to the attic lullaby,
give me a religion to live by.
the day to day
is robbing me blind
i only want some common thread to pass the time.
energy, alive.

there's a man hidden inside a cubicle
waiting for daylight to pierce the dawn
there's a woman inside a million thoughts trying to move along.
i wish there were another way to play the pawn.
it's not always a blessing to belong,
not always a triumph inside a wrong.

another day
but do make me wait.
i want the sweetness,
the sorrow,
the silver plate.

i feel so far from what i came here for,
so distant from a common metaphor.
was not my intention to hit the ground and leave the shore,
but maybe i only get the incessant need
to ask for more.
always running for the open door.

i've given it all
what's left for you to offer me?
i want answers.
demand poison, extracted from the leaves.
what do you have for me?
lets run somewhere far away and leave the present for some future misery.

oh bleeding heart,
bleed for me.

still the wanting comes in waves.

2009-11-21T05:19:04Z

i always thought that getting a degree in music and understanding why certain chords and notes work together would somehow diminish my gut reaction and appreciation for music in its pure state. it has only increased my obsession. im currently listening to the decemberists epic album, "the hazards of love." there is a song with the most exciting bassline of 5 5 1, 7 5 1 etc. it compels me to dance in my car seat and air guitar on upright bass. is that sad? i prefer to call it amazing.
another track is acoustic guitar only. that one consists of a 1 6 1 chord progression and the background is a accompanied by another guitar and the eerie solitary ambience of an electric and a banjo. it still makes me feel melancholy and think of the past.. what all incredible music does to me.

im grateful for my eternal appreciation for melody. and harmony. i listened to my own recorded music today from a few years back and wrote some harmony lines. ineffectual? perhaps. but wholly fulfilling and enjoyable during the ten minutes between obligations. this is what my subconscious has been studying for years. if i wasn't doing this now, i would always have an empty place in my heart wondering "what if?"

and now i know.

phil glass et. al.

2009-10-12T03:10:19Z

the strangest weekend. friday i went to school till three. cleaned my apartment sang in the shower and went to work at five. worked with bill who has given up on the company and so have i. lost consciousness in the kids section and was transported by ambulance to the hospital. left with my mom around two, high on ativan and drove home. slept in my living room and was unconscious until three pm. drove to allentown to see a symphony orchestra with my mom in which one of my professors was concert master. drove home after intermission and fell asleep eating soup and ice cream. went to work this morning, talked to kim and drove to Kutztown after. met up with josh "bare feet" and professor ROBER at the philip glass concert at the church in town. saw his performance with his son, then drank copious amounts of white wine and discussed the renaissance. talked to mr. glass who bares a striking resemblance to kurt vonnegut. congregated around the nameless piano and took josh back to his car, felt more alone than i have in awhile. listened to both welkes and jeff buckley and drove to the river and jumped in. in the cold october night. on a sunday. drove back to apartment alone and related the day to the anonymous viewers of said livejournal. going inside now to play my piano. drunk and inspired and lonely.

all i ever wanted, i realize. but cold and sad just the same.

thought.

2009-10-08T01:12:39Z

wednesday nights at blockbuster are not quite the intellectually stimulating experiences they once were. actually no time at blockbuster ever is.

also, i have decided that s.a.d. makes me f.a.t. need a new perspective! in other news, my sister is having a baby girl! now that the child has a gender, it makes becoming an aunt more real to me. wish she was here now so i could take her for ice cream in october and go to a pumpkin patch.

i want to be crazy aunt michelle. but i also want to be someone she can talk to about the existential or about music or about anything.

read enough kurt vonnnegut, and you learn that family is the missing key to our happiness. family can make us complete. unfortunately we are becoming more and more isolated as a species and its disheartening.

when you get old, they just throw you in a home so you can await death and not burden anyone. maybe alzheimers is a blessing. at least youre unaware.

back to work. bring back the sunshine!

Afternoon and Nothin' to do.

2009-10-06T18:49:08Z

Drinking by yourself = FAIL. In the most epic way. I was being so productive recently, keeping my chin up, all that jazz. Last night was a waste. Made myself pay for it by riding my bike all around town today. Did my homework. Ate at Betty's, studied spanish. Practiced piano. Went to chamber rehearsal. Eh, nother day.

Thursday, Phi Mu Alpha American Music Concert! I'm playing the Gershwin prelude with Ryan. It's gonna be awesome. 7:30 pm. I'm gonna pretend anyone reads this that actually lives in this state. Still gonna be fun. Tom. class from 8-3, work 4-1130.

Not sure why I'm updating with this boring entry. I'm lonely here sometimes. If it isn't the couple in front of me on the way to class holding hands, talking and laughing together, it's the group of friends chatting outside the coffee shop as I sit by myself in the corner and read. I really don't mean to be so anti-social. I hate being so alone. Just my handicap, I s'pose. But I didn't come here to complain. I'm here at the library with intent to write more of my story, "Order and Disobedience". It's a God-awful attempt at fiction and I love every minute of it.

Enjoy the weather, it's so beautiful outside today..

i never copy lyrics anymore, but this is closer to the truth than i could write myself.

2009-10-06T02:43:08Z

papa died smiling,
wide as the ring of a bell.
gone all star white
small as a wish in a well.
in sodom south georgia,
woke like a tree full of bees.
burried in christmas,
bows and a blanket of weeds.

papa died sunday,
and i understood.
all dead white boys say "god is good"
white tongues hang out
"god is good."

papa died while my girl little edith was born.
both hands felt like eyes on a crack in th door.
in sodom south georgia,
slept on an acre of bones.
slept through christmas,
slept like a bucket of snow.

papa died sunday,
and i understood.
all dead white boys say
"god is good"
white tongues hang out
"god is good"

Suggests rather than Describes.

2009-10-05T01:46:17Z

..How I would categorize my writing. Or maybe that's just an excuse for having no form, identifiable plot, or character development.

Trash, in other words.

"Even if there is only one possible unified theory, it is just a set of rules and equations. What is it that breathes fire into the equations and makes a universe for them to describe?" - So Stephen Hawking pretty much detailed my personal explanation for God. Y te adoro.

It's a Sunday night at the computer lab.

And one day the future shall arrive?

"Thy end is truth and beauty's doom and date." Oh, Shakespeare. And Tai Chi for the mind. If only I could disappear into sound...(someday)

, I wait for you.

azenkoan @ 2009-09-23T21:10:00

2009-09-24T01:11:04Z

I need a hug. Like whoa. :'(

azenkoan @ 2009-09-21T20:48:00

2009-09-22T00:49:39Z

feel so defeated.

mother,

2009-09-18T04:25:28Z

and she said, "i promise you, if something were to happen to you, you wouldn't miss anything at all in this world. it would no longer matter. that i promise." and that silence was worth a million tears shed in pity or concern.

How bout that?

2009-09-15T01:35:46Z

HAHA. Livejournal is having its tenth anniversary? Feels like yesterday when I was 15 and you still needed an invite code to get one and my boyfriend thing at the time got me started on this narcissistic madness that overcame my life for a few years. and miserable, hate-filled, passive agressive angst posts. pretty much every day. Happy birthday, precursor of social networking sites. Thanks for providing an avenue for social phobic kids like me hiding behind their computer screens.

The good, the bad, the [unsure?]

Also. Is it just me, or do other people not find the holocaust particularly humorous? I know you're trying to be controversial, Mr. Tarantino. But really, are you that patriotic? Do you think that making people laugh and cheer for the American cowboys who came in and kicked some Nazi ass is the message we really should be sending? Murder is wrong. War is sick. There is no such thing as 'victory' earned in bloodshed. Besides, if our country was so heroic, why'd we wait so long to get involved in the war anyway? Maybe I'm a downer conceit, but "Inglorious Basterds" really didn't sit well with me. Doesn't seem like something worth celebrating, when so many innocent people lost their lives.

Maybe I just need to lower my standards for humanity. I'd be a lot happier person.

G'night. Going home to watch Anthony Bourdain. ♥

update for lack of motivation.

2009-09-11T14:26:53Z

www.critiquecircle.com
DO IT.

Also, it is pouring rain on a Friday, I've had exactly 6 hours of sleep, and my umbrella broke in HALF on my way to class so now I have none. Spanish test in half an hour, wash to do, choir at 2, and over an hour drive home with impending rush hour traffic.

Pardon the proceeding ridiculous comment, but I need a DRINK later.
Peace.

dusk.

2009-08-25T00:26:12Z

when you can feel the cool in the air at dusk, its definitely the end of summer. but im not ready to let it go. i want to go back to the ocean and eat food outside and drink with friends while casually laughing and smoking cigarettes. summer dresses, outdoor art gallery hopping, music festivals. im so forlorn at the thought of winter and its still august.

this is like my personal disease, to constantly ruin the present with simultaneous thoughts of the past and future.

plus i ate too much. and had an epic nap in the afternoon dreaming of bangkok and floating down the river with two families who slaughtered their offspring and threw their bodies in the water. do other people have such consistent, bloody nightmares? maybe its why im always tired. my mind never rests.

then waking up to the obnoxious glare of the tv screen in an empty house with a silent phone and no one on the other end. plus a million things to do that seem so overwhelming and the desperate dread of running out of time.

it makes me want to get out and run anywhere to escape the silence. when i really just need to learn to sit still and accept the discontent.

culture and relevance

2009-08-18T03:48:55Z

there was a small town in greece, agios lavrentios. there was so much to learn about the pace of the everyday. the people were intelligent and full of talent. they learned english and many times a third language as part of their education. yet as one man explained to me, america appeared as a spoiled comical child not willing to learn from and respect its elders. weren't we simply a colony of the old world? how did we become so egocentric? so unwilling to adapt and comingle with the rest of the world? he laughed lightly and i agreed, yet aware that i was in this land representing this land. for the first time in my life, i was the silly foreigner with the silly accent and funny colored skin. as hard as i tried to speak the words of the greek language that i was taught, i was simultaneously and painfully aware of how slow and uneducated i sounded. it was a valuable lesson. i saw a way of life so different and so untouched by the technology revolution. it was as breathtaking as the view. even the water and the breeze felt like a distant dream. there is a world not centered on the strict obedience of time. i tried to capture its essence as i walked alm to a church on the mountain at midnight. for a moment, which is all it ever will be.

guess ill never

2009-08-17T03:10:33Z

i wrote a poem discerning my adoration for late august, and lost it all to a faulty server. the most beautiful words are never heard, and what's worse is they leave you feeling unrequited and alone.

live the moments

2009-08-06T16:38:07Z

updating from my new 21st century phone. good news so far. biopsy is clear, but i need surgery to remove my thyroid and to make sure everything is ok. i have decided to become more openly spiritual, and i am grateful to god for everything in my life so far.

in more comical news, i dropped my phone into a portajohn at musikfest after an insanely awesome night of seeing dr. dog for free and hanging out with amazing friends. bad news is i no longer have anyones number, but have come to believe its for a reason. i lost all the saved messages from my dad, but i choose to believe it means he has passed on to a better place. my mom accidentally deleted his last message on the answering machine that same day.

the "great one", my dear aunt carol passed away from kidney failure two weeks ago. it was the best funeral i have ever attended, if there can be such a thing. it was a celebration of life and the end of suffering, and i was also able to reconnect with long lost family. r.i.p.

finally, it seems as though i will be an aunt in march. i had my reservations at first, but now i am embracing the new life on its way.

greece was more incredible than words could possibly do justice to. but i played the bach concerto and swam in the aegean sea and saw the acropolis, olympic stadium, and the parthenon.

and i am here to tell the tale. 484-350-2451, text if you wish :)

Sicko.

2009-07-28T17:41:58Z

Feel bad for me...sometimes that seems like the only purpose to writing in this thing. Yet rather than sympathy, I kinda need advice. What do you do if there is a massive lump in your thyroid and you need a biopsy to find out if it's cancerous, but you don't have any medical coverage? And you may already be in over your head in debt for admitting yourself to the hospital because your airway is being obstructed by the mass? And the welfare forms for insurance could take up to 90 days to find out if you will be covered or not?

I've never hated America more.
What a sad state of affairs.
Where are you, Hillary? When we (I) need you...

Food and thought.

2009-07-06T04:00:44Z

Words cannot describe the beauty of summer and the life it fills me with. I just wonder how much of this joy exists because of the long months of winter, snow, and rain? I wonder the same thing about the sunset..would it be as incredible if it lasted forever? I always go running out of my house when I see the sun beginning to set, so I can catch that brilliant fire burning in the sky just before it leaves the world in dark. Then I feel melancholy and saddened when it disappears behind the skyline. But it always comes back eventually, and such is life.

Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T04:02:48Z

Michael Jackson is dead? Wow. I don't know what it's so surprising or important to me. Just seems like he had so many problems. Maybe he is in a better place where he can accept himself? That's all. G'night.

Surreal

2009-06-15T02:56:06Z

I am going to Agios Laurentios, Greece. To take part in a week long music festival, take part in master's classes from professionals all over the world, perform in chamber ensemble groups with other musicians, and visit my professor's home country. July 12-20. Possibly traveling by myself.

Fuck. It's really happening. And it's utterly surreal!
Bach - Concerto in D Minor: IT IS ON!!

Mired in the Muck Momentarily.

2009-06-02T20:42:43Z

It's definitely going to storm, the clouds are heavy and even though the sun's still shining, it will be raining before evening. That's okay, I'm going home to dye my hair and download music onto my mp3 player, then drive through the storm to the other end where it is once again calm and sunny and peaceful.

Still there will be work tomorrow, and the next day, and paychecks to cash and spend, and many moments to both grieve and smile in. My how the days go by!

The most important thing to learn about life

2009-05-14T20:57:04Z

And this, too, shall pass.